Je donnerais n’importe quoi pour nous de travailler.

February 13, 2012 § Leave a comment

Today approximately around 3pm I had to go through the motions of a break up while single. for the last four years I’ve loved one guy more than any other… That said, his love someone manages to poison anything good within me. He can be so negative about himself and others around him, even me. I know deep down that he really loves me and that I really love him, but it’s not enough for me any more to just settle with a marginally successful relationship. I want a long lasting healthy relationship, one where I don’t have to feel so angry or vindictive. I know it’s hard to believe that with so much frustration and open hostility that I actually can love him, and maybe it true. I am not 100% sure what I feel for him any more… I’ve known him for so long, I’ve learned all about him, just as he has with me. The scariest idea is imagining myself having to relearn another person. I know that the traits that I fell in love with Ira originally for are still there and that I still love those things, but with us heading in two different directions at different speeds I’ve made the decision to just stick with me, to let him go and to move on.  I wish that I could remain his friend, I wish that he cared enough to equally want to remain in contact, but alas his ego is too bruised, and his heart to hurt, so for now and maybe always I will have to view him as the one I let get away.

My biggest woe and fear is the regret that goes hand in hand with rough break ups and long loves. Could he have really been the one? What if he was exactly everything I ever wanted? What if… is always the start of the sentience that kept me around.  Now I’ve decided that if I am going to keep using “what if’s” I will use them in a positive manner.

“What if I become someone better with him gone and in that time I manage to find someone who loves me 100% for me and dosn’t need me to lead him by the hand. What if we can equally come together at the middle to create a functioning/healthy relationship. What if that’s how it’s supposed to be? “

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